Cinco de Mayo

Well lets say I'm not feeling so swell on my exercise or eating yesterday. I went to curves! got some steps but not enough. food wise I had a great breakfast, missed my snack and then ate to much for lunch cuz I was starving. I had 1 slice of thin crust pizza and then a peanut butter and jam wrap... in the afternoon I had a bit of chocolate and cheesies, then I had tacos for dinner which wasn't on plan 1000% but it was a good choice for mexican food. And for dinner a frozen banana dipped in milk chocolate and rolled in chopped almonds. Feelings? I was really tired and had my lazy day off kind of a day. It's one of those days I have the habit of going to food when I'm siting and watching tv. I also love mexican food so I always have it on cinco de mayo.

 

Boasting

Before I start my food/emotion write up I wanted to talk about my devos. It hits very close to home, yet again especially concerning this blog. It reminded me not to boast in my own power or skill but to boast only in Jesus Christ and what he has done for me. I do find myself saying things like I didn't really good or I can do this or I can do that. Lord, please forgive me those things I do, even good things, mean nothing and boasting on them will not only bring about pride in my heart but it will also take the glory away from You, which is where it all belongs. Lord please forgive me for this and Lord, please remind me when I start to boast that I need to be pointing others towards your greatness and not my own. Amen

In saying that I hope it comes across that as I'm writing out how my day went I am doing so as a journal and I know that none of this would be possible without the grace and love of Jesus Christ right beside me helping me along.

Steps: 16,000
I did a 30 min run and then ran with mom and heather (1 1/2 and 3 min times 2)
Food: breakfast was awesome then I missed my snack, ate 2 hot dogs and 2 mini bags of chips for lunch, ate a burger, cheese and 2/3 serving of sweet potatoes for my afternoon snack. Then dinner was on plan, but my post church snack was a quesadilla, salsa and greek yogurt, popcorn, 3 cookies and a small cup of hot chocolate... clearly not needed! Why? Busy, stress, relieved to be done work for the weekend, habit, the fact that my eating schedule was crazy out of whack. Or was it me not listening to the prompting of the Holy Spirit to walk away, I didn't need it?
   

Pizza.. whoops

I got my 15,000 steps... I got over 15,000 steps everyday this week which means I got my itunes gift card!!!! I ate great, right on track, minus pizza for dinner and some candies with it. I made a cake though and didn't eat any and even though I was feeling great STRESS I was able to say no to extra food. I think part of the reason this is getting easier is I feel more full with the food I'm eating but mostly it's when I'm focused in Christ food becomes less significant.

I did eat 2/3 of a thin crust pizza and a couple dozen small our candies. This wasn't fully an impulse eat I had already decided to have pizza for dinner, I just ate too much of it.

Yesterday I was feeling very high stress. I had the boys and Isaiah and things were very chaotic which doesn't work well for me. I rather then eating I cleaned... good thing the boys were continually making a mess so I had lots to clean up.

Devos for today are on how important it is to take communion seriously. This was a huge gift from Jesus, one which needs to be taken seriously! It's not something that we just do but a time to thank Jesus for everything.

Success In Christ

Yesterday I did GREAT, not in my own power, but in that of Jesus. I ate my breakfast, lunch, dinner and snacks all on plan! I was tempted but I was able to say no and I wanted to say no. My devos yesterday reminded me that each time I eat food I don't need I'm sinning and it's serious. Looking at the extra food this way and asking for the strength I needed from God was amazing! Yesterday I didn't go to the guy but I have the boys all weekend so I don't usually on those days. However I did get my 15,000 steps in thanks to my wonderful sister who stayed home with the boys after they were in bed so I could get out.

I think one of the things that more blew me away is the fact that I was able to even bake a cake and I was able to say no to it! Praise God!

Today in my devos I read about how God allows times of trouble to strengthen you but he's a loving God and he will be there to get you out of those situations. There are times we put ourselves in those situations and he's ready to help us out too if we just ask him. Lord, I know this food situation is one out of my control, yet I know I could have come to you much sooner and surrendered it to you for real and worked through my temptation with you. Lord, I pray that this time that is what I do. I pray that this time I put you first and Lord that when food seems to get too much that you would give me the strength but even more so that I would allow you to work through me. That I wouldn't stop your power by giving in in my own weakness. Thank you Lord, Amen

Clearly I Like to Walk

I got 25,000 steps! Went to Curves, ate good meals (though I'm not sure they were on plan). Went out from 3-9 and that really helped me not snack during that time.

I find when I'm home alone I'm very likely to eat. When I think what I'm feeling before I eat I don't really feel anything. But after I feel content. I just feel a deep desire to get food! I thought that I was worse certain parts of the day but that was not the case yesterday. I also had the tenancy to blame it on lack of sleep but I've been getting 8 hours plus each day. When I want to eat it's not a oh food sounds good it will make me happy thought. It's a GET ME FOOD! That's all I can think of and that's what I need more then anything else right then.

What did I eat you may ask?
lentil burger, coleslaw
grapes
pasta and sausage sauce
cake tops
chicken teryaki stirfry with brown rice
rice pudding
cheese and lentils
grapes

Devos this morning was in Ezra and it was when ezra was thanking God for showing the people favour  even though they were sinners. The way he explained their in really did something to me. I didn;t realize it before but honestly I don't think I have a proper picture of sin. I think sin and I think forgiveness. I don't think of the sacrifice and the harm it's having on me and others. Ezra was saying that they were so deep in sin they didn't deserve anything. I always think that sin doesn't mean anything and God should overlook it and give me what I want. Lord, I pray today when I'm tempted to sin that you would remind me of the gravity of my actions. Lord, I pray that I would obey you today and that when I sin or am tempted that you would remind me how hurtful that can be. Lord, I pray that you would forgive me for my eating habits. That you would come in and rule them and Lord that I would listen to your voice. Amen  

Some Good, Some Bad and an Amazing Healer

Yesterday was a great morning! I went out shopping with my mom, nephew and niece. I have a great breakfast and lunch and didn't snack on other things! I Got over 15,900 steps and went for a fast, short run with my sister! For dinner I had lentil burgers (2) and a bagged salad from costco with dressing (3 cups).

Once I got home I started to snack a little too much. I ate grapes (LOTS of them), Peanut butter and on a wrap (Twice), and a few (3?) sugar cookies (not iced). Part of this eating was habit, when I cook I snack! When I bake I snack. Part of it was this urge to eat. I was home alone and I didn't feel full enough. After I ate it I felt too full and satisfied but guilty. Guilty that I don't have more control over what I'm doing, guilty I couldn't say no.

Today during my devotions. I read about Jesus healing the leaper. He just came up to Jesus and aid heal me! And Jesus did! My prayer today is that Jesus would begin to heal me. That he would heal me from this compulsion, this disease. That he would do it and that I would worship him for it and live a life that reflects hat he has done for me. This has been my prayer before but I've always been reserved as to what else he wants to do in me. I have wanted him to fix problem A but not touch anything else. Lord, I know it's not easy when you change people, I know it could be incredibly painful but Lord, Im ready to live for you. I'm ready to obey you. Lord, I will do my best but I will need you strength becuase I am weak.

Hope

Alright I got a lot to catch up on here.

1. I have decided to stop focusing on my weight loss. I realized that I don't think my weight is my problem. It's my compulsive and emotional eating. As long as that is not dealt with there is no way I'm going to lose weight as I'm going to keep eating compulsivley. Even if I do good for a few weeks or months it will return if not dealt with. Saying that I'm not going to go crazy and eat what I want while working on my issues I'm going to aim to stick the the CC diet but do so with a different focus. 

2. I have really felt God calling me these past few weeks. Seriously every time I read my bible, go to church etc it's a verse on how God calls people back to him and they need to remain in him etc. I've really been struggling in my relationship with him. I find myself wanting him to fix my problems but not ruling my life. I know that's not how it works and I'm asking God to change my heart that I would want him to be ruler and king over me. That I will be able to accept that he is Lord and that I would live a life that brings glory to him, Issues and all. 

3. I had my compulsive eating meeting last night and there were a few very enlightening things I took from it. First off my out of control eating is NOT a will power issue, it goes way deeper then that. It's not something that I can decide I'm going to change and poof it's gone. My eating is not something I consciously chose and it's because of many aspects of my life. This is a disease: 

     "a particular quality, habit, or disposition regarded as adversely affecting a person or group of people."

I'm not saying it's not a problem, I'm not saying that its okay it's something that needs to be dealt with, like a disease, it's something that may or may not be cured but it can be stabalized. Just hearing all this gave me hope knowing I'm not a total and utter failure, it's not all my fault. but in all of that there is hope, I'm not going to be stuck here but admitting that I am a compulsive eater who has a very unhealthy relationship with food is the first step and there is hope because I don't have to stay here!