Wednesday, April 30, 2014


Alright I got a lot to catch up on here.
1. I have decided to stop focusing on my weight loss. I realized that I don't think my weight is my problem. It's my compulsive and emotional eating. As long as that is not dealt with there is no way I'm going to lose weight as I'm going to keep eating compulsivley. Even if I do good for a few weeks or months it will return if not dealt with. Saying that I'm not going to go crazy and eat what I want while working on my issues I'm going to aim to stick the the CC diet but do so with a different focus. 

2. I have really felt God calling me these past few weeks. Seriously every time I read my bible, go to church etc it's a verse on how God calls people back to him and they need to remain in him etc. I've really been struggling in my relationship with him. I find myself wanting him to fix my problems but not ruling my life. I know that's not how it works and I'm asking God to change my heart that I would want him to be ruler and king over me. That I will be able to accept that he is Lord and that I would live a life that brings glory to him, Issues and all. 

3. I had my compulsive eating meeting last night and there were a few very enlightening things I took from it. First off my out of control eating is NOT a will power issue, it goes way deeper then that. It's not something that I can decide I'm going to change and poof it's gone. My eating is not something I consciously chose and it's because of many aspects of my life. This is a disease: 

     "a particular quality, habit, or disposition regarded as adversely affecting a person or group of people."

I'm not saying it's not a problem, I'm not saying that its okay it's something that needs to be dealt with, like a disease, it's something that may or may not be cured but it can be stabalized. Just hearing all this gave me hope knowing I'm not a total and utter failure, it's not all my fault. but in all of that there is hope, I'm not going to be stuck here but admitting that I am a compulsive eater who has a very unhealthy relationship with food is the first step and there is hope because I don't have to stay here! 

Monday, April 28, 2014

I like me!

I was thinking today about why I'm doing so poorly on my diet and why I want to lose weight and I realized something. I like me! I don't care if I lose any weight. I'm happy to be the person I am. I feel like I need to lose weight because I think that's what people expect from me. But I realized I don't care it's not about other people it's about me. Saying this I'm not saying that I don't have food issues and I want to work through these but not so that I'm smaller but because food and me aren't healthy. If I develop a healthier relationship with food I might lose weight but that's not my intention. So now my focus won't be on a number it will be on figuring out how me and food can get a healthy relationship. Not quite sure how that's going to happen but it will!
One thing I have discovered is that I  love being able to excel in exercise and it's something that I want to keep up with and improve at but not to lose weight just because it's something I love. I really want to train  for a half marathon. My goals for the near future are running a 5km in under 30 min at the end of June and a 10km in the early fall.

Tuesday, April 22, 2014

Andrea + ???? = BFF

After having a quick talk with one of my weight loss coaches today she mentioned that if I'm going to break my best friendship with food I'm going to have to replace it with something. Makes sense but what am I going to replace it with? What do I want to replace it with? It's easy to come up with a list of healthy things to replace it with (exercise, gardening, reading, people etc) but it's a lot harder to figure out something that I will love as much food. I don't have an answer but I definitely have something to think about.

Monday, April 21, 2014

Why Am I So Scared?

So earlier this week I was reflecting on why I use food and I discovered that it's my best friend. Now as I'm figuring out what is holding me back from changing that? What is holding me back from saying no to food? What is it that hold me back from losing weight? Why am I so scared to do it? What am I scared will happen?Anyways I narrowed all those questions down to 4 that I think will help me to start unpacking all this crap.

What/who do I think I will be once I'm thinner?
I've never been a thin teenager or adult, because of this I don't know who I am when I'm thin. To be honest I've never realistically thought about who I think I would be as a thin person. I've daydreamed, completely unrealistically, about who I could be. But it's time to put aside those completely unrealistic thoughts and think about who I really can be. Thinking about this I honestly don't think my personality will change much when I lose weight if I don't consciously work on it. I don't think that losing weight will make me more friendly or outgoing. If anything I think it will make me more uncomfortable because people give me different attention that I'm not comfortable with.

Who/what do I want to be?
Just because I think losing weight won't change my personality doesn't mean it's not a time when I can concisely try to make changes. I feel that not only will losing the weight help me to be able to change but making a conscious choice to change will help me to be more comfortable to be able to lose weight and not need to hide in my weight.

What changes am I wanting to make you may ask? I want to be a more driven in my work life, health and general life. I want to be less self conscious and worried about what others think about me and just to know that no matter what size I'm awesome and I need to own that! I need to make a point to be more friendly and outgoing. I feel that being more outgoing and friendly will be easier if I worry less about what people think about me. I'm also really excited to become more fit and healthier. Now that I've picked up my running and can really see a change in my strength I'm really excited to see that improve and I realize that eating better is just going to help me excel even more in my physical activity.

So it's great to think that it's who I want to be but I need to make decisions that will get me there. I realize that I'm very busy and most of my evenings are spent at meetings or I'm running. So think week I'm going to find 2 acquaintances at church and say hi.

What am I scared to lose with my weight?
It's my mask, I can think people don't like me, aren't friendly ect. because of my weight not because of who I really am. But really it's me deciding myself that I'm not good enough, not others telling me this. I know that I don't let people in and because I'm closed people aren't friendly back to me. As I lose this weight I need to be okay with people seeing who I really am or I won't be successful.

What's holding me back?
Fear of the unknown. Who am I really? When I lose this weight I won't be able to hide behind it and I don't know what that will mean for me. I am realizing that I need to be open to whatever that is. I need to be willing to open up and let people see who I am, to figure out who I am. It's time to be raw and though it may hurt and feel uncomfortable it will help me be shaped into the woman I really am.

Friday, April 18, 2014

If Only

Today I went to the Good Friday service at church and as we were singing the hymns and I was reflecting on the words I realized that I think about food how I should think about God. I would give my everything for food, it consumes me and becomes so important. That's how I know I should feel about God. That's how I want to desire God. I know I don't have all the answers and I know that I have really far to go but I am encouraged that I am starting to see these changes I want in my mind and spirit much more then the physical changes to my body. Thank you Lord that you are working in me and that you are challenging me to change.

I'm Andrea and I'm a Food Addict

I went to a weight loss meeting on Tuesday night and it helped me to admit that I am a food addict. It something I've known but to sit there and say out loud, "Yes, I am addicted to food." was very freeing. Then they challenged me with why? Why do I need food? What are the deep issues? This question was/is much harder for me. I didn't have a traumatic upbringing. As far as I remember nothing too bad happened to me. So i had to dig deeper and I started to realize that I've had a problem making friends since I was young. I've always had a couple friends but I felt like I couldn't be 100% real with them. I had to be the person they wanted me to be. Even in my family i felt like this, like  Indeed to be the person I was expected to be. Food was my only friend who didn't expect me to be a certain way and food didn't judge me, it just made me feel good. I can remember my first year of Bible school I stayed in dorms for thanksgiving, I was so upset I didn't have someone to share it with so I bought myself a pumpkin pie and whipping cream and that was my friend for the weekend (like it lasted the weekend). And now this has become my default. I will choose to go home and be alone with food over being out with people. I don't feel like very many people genuinely like me for me now. then I think who am I? do I even know who I really am? or have I spent so much time being the person others expected me to be that I don't know who I truly am any more. This week since becoming more aware of this I have started to notice times I'll be out and thinking about what I'm going to eat when I get home. I can't wait to get home to eat something... THIS IS NOT HOW I WANT TO LIVE! I want to be me, I want to want to be with friends and not rely on food for my comfort but I've done it so long I don't know that I know how to change it. I don't know what I need to do!  

Monday, April 14, 2014

Back to the Basics

In order to really get closer to Jesus and get back on track with him I feel like I really need to get back to the basics of my relationship with him. Get back to understanding of who Jesus is, who I am in him and how I'm to live because of that. I'm so thankful for a Lord who forgives me and who won't give up on me.

Sunday, April 13, 2014


I'm sitting here eating a chocolate cookie thinking that it's time to start blogging again. I need to start getting my thoughts and feelings out on paper again so that I can work through what I want and how to get there. but before I get all serious and stuff I ran my second 5km today!!!!! The first one was 3 years ago so needless to say it's the longest I've run in a long while.
We ran it in 34:45 (almost 10 min faster then our last 5km!) Goal for the next one you ask? it's in 2 months time and the goal is under 30 min!

Okay so now that we have all celebrated I thought I should give you some numbers as to where I am today over last time I blogged. 
Weight 208 so down 21lbs since just before Christmas
Inches not sure were they sit but I'm down over 23" since December!
Now time to discuss my problems. I have no and I mean no self control again! Why? I use food to  fill my emotional needs, I like the taste of it, it's always been my go to... the list could go on but really it comes down to since I have no self control I need to do something to keep my in check with my lack of self control. Really I've been thinking this for a few weeks and I've come to the conclusion that I need  Ito 
a) clean out my cupboards, fridge and freezer and get rid of the things that I stumble on. Cuz really lets be serious if I eat too much fruit I'm not going to go up on the scale.   
b) be 100% honest with my curves coach and let her know how I'm doing. 
c) Get enough sleep... when I'm tired I will eat anything and I mean anything covered in chocolate. 

All these are great ideas and will help me on the scale but I think my biggest problem is I'm having a hard time being disciplined in spending time with God. I'm not making the time to do this and I know that is causing me to suffer with food again. I find it so hard to be diligent in my relationship with him and I don't know why. But I know when I'm not diligent and I drift apart from him. In the big scheme of things I know that my relationship with Christ should be number one in my life and it's just not at this point. 

Alright so now what am I going to do? right now I'm reading mere christianity and C.S. Lewis says fake it til you make it. Figure out what Christians should do and just do it. Eventually it will become easier and it'll be something you want to do. So
a) Do a bible study every morning
b) spend time in prayer each day... start with 5 min and add a couple min each week
c) find some way to serve someone else each day. 

Alright I got my 2 to do lists and I'm ready to tackle these things! Check back in soon for an update!