Monday, April 21, 2014

Why Am I So Scared?

So earlier this week I was reflecting on why I use food and I discovered that it's my best friend. Now as I'm figuring out what is holding me back from changing that? What is holding me back from saying no to food? What is it that hold me back from losing weight? Why am I so scared to do it? What am I scared will happen?Anyways I narrowed all those questions down to 4 that I think will help me to start unpacking all this crap.

What/who do I think I will be once I'm thinner?
I've never been a thin teenager or adult, because of this I don't know who I am when I'm thin. To be honest I've never realistically thought about who I think I would be as a thin person. I've daydreamed, completely unrealistically, about who I could be. But it's time to put aside those completely unrealistic thoughts and think about who I really can be. Thinking about this I honestly don't think my personality will change much when I lose weight if I don't consciously work on it. I don't think that losing weight will make me more friendly or outgoing. If anything I think it will make me more uncomfortable because people give me different attention that I'm not comfortable with.

Who/what do I want to be?
Just because I think losing weight won't change my personality doesn't mean it's not a time when I can concisely try to make changes. I feel that not only will losing the weight help me to be able to change but making a conscious choice to change will help me to be more comfortable to be able to lose weight and not need to hide in my weight.

What changes am I wanting to make you may ask? I want to be a more driven in my work life, health and general life. I want to be less self conscious and worried about what others think about me and just to know that no matter what size I'm awesome and I need to own that! I need to make a point to be more friendly and outgoing. I feel that being more outgoing and friendly will be easier if I worry less about what people think about me. I'm also really excited to become more fit and healthier. Now that I've picked up my running and can really see a change in my strength I'm really excited to see that improve and I realize that eating better is just going to help me excel even more in my physical activity.

So it's great to think that it's who I want to be but I need to make decisions that will get me there. I realize that I'm very busy and most of my evenings are spent at meetings or I'm running. So think week I'm going to find 2 acquaintances at church and say hi.

What am I scared to lose with my weight?
It's my mask, I can think people don't like me, aren't friendly ect. because of my weight not because of who I really am. But really it's me deciding myself that I'm not good enough, not others telling me this. I know that I don't let people in and because I'm closed people aren't friendly back to me. As I lose this weight I need to be okay with people seeing who I really am or I won't be successful.

What's holding me back?
Fear of the unknown. Who am I really? When I lose this weight I won't be able to hide behind it and I don't know what that will mean for me. I am realizing that I need to be open to whatever that is. I need to be willing to open up and let people see who I am, to figure out who I am. It's time to be raw and though it may hurt and feel uncomfortable it will help me be shaped into the woman I really am.

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