Hope

Alright I got a lot to catch up on here.

1. I have decided to stop focusing on my weight loss. I realized that I don't think my weight is my problem. It's my compulsive and emotional eating. As long as that is not dealt with there is no way I'm going to lose weight as I'm going to keep eating compulsivley. Even if I do good for a few weeks or months it will return if not dealt with. Saying that I'm not going to go crazy and eat what I want while working on my issues I'm going to aim to stick the the CC diet but do so with a different focus. 

2. I have really felt God calling me these past few weeks. Seriously every time I read my bible, go to church etc it's a verse on how God calls people back to him and they need to remain in him etc. I've really been struggling in my relationship with him. I find myself wanting him to fix my problems but not ruling my life. I know that's not how it works and I'm asking God to change my heart that I would want him to be ruler and king over me. That I will be able to accept that he is Lord and that I would live a life that brings glory to him, Issues and all. 

3. I had my compulsive eating meeting last night and there were a few very enlightening things I took from it. First off my out of control eating is NOT a will power issue, it goes way deeper then that. It's not something that I can decide I'm going to change and poof it's gone. My eating is not something I consciously chose and it's because of many aspects of my life. This is a disease: 

     "a particular quality, habit, or disposition regarded as adversely affecting a person or group of people."

I'm not saying it's not a problem, I'm not saying that its okay it's something that needs to be dealt with, like a disease, it's something that may or may not be cured but it can be stabalized. Just hearing all this gave me hope knowing I'm not a total and utter failure, it's not all my fault. but in all of that there is hope, I'm not going to be stuck here but admitting that I am a compulsive eater who has a very unhealthy relationship with food is the first step and there is hope because I don't have to stay here!